lazy girl / lazy cat

English 202 Final Project

2012-03-02T15:24:00.000-08:00

I'm supposed to do something "creative" (or "expressive") for the second part of my final English project. BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO?!

UGH. WHAT SHOULD I DO.

I was thinking of doing a flip book or a mini-cartoon, but I don't have a strong idea of what I want that to be yet... I was also thinking of doing a written script for a comic book, "comic book" in quotations since the comic book in question doesn't actually exist.

We're supposed to use one of the texts we've read and connect it to what we've learned or whatever, I thought I might do Ready Player One. I even thought of trying and making a "mock" website of the OASIS page, but that actually sounds kind of hard... =_=''

답답해

2012-02-20T00:28:00.000-08:00

요즈음 조금 답답해. 가장 친한 친구가 남자 친구 한테 사랑에 빠져서... 어색해 ㅠ_ㅠ... 나는 남자 친구 언제 있을까?

나 왜 왔냐?

그리고... 그 친구가 나 남자 좋하는 것 보았데... 거짓말...

친구가 바보야. 바보.

:D

2012-02-15T19:09:00.000-08:00

Ho ho ho, I'm able to write more than one sentence in Korean now :D (never mind the spelling and/or grammar mistakes). Yesterday was Valentines Day, and I always get chocolate and cards from my roommate and considerate people, but I never end up getting anything for them in return. So I promised myself, if I live in Birnam Wood, apartment-styled dorms with a kitchen and everything--not to mention cheaper than dorms--than I shall make chocolate and give them to everyone who has given me chocolate.

Sounds fun, right?

I actually dislike giving presents because I used to give them all the time to my friends, and it felt like I was buying their friendship.

I'm also going to visit my best friend--she lives 6 hours away--so I'll actually have something to blog about! At times like these, it's when I wish I had a polaroid camera. Not that I could upload them to my computer because I don't have a scanner.

유치하지?

2012-02-15T18:44:00.000-08:00

마이 루므매이트 화났어... 이유? 이유는 네가 다른 생각 가져가 있어서, 나한테 대답 두안에조.... 유치하지?

응. 너무 너무 유치헤, 흥 （￣へ￣）

Personal Thoughts

2012-02-14T20:22:00.002-08:00

Stories are beautiful, especially if they come from inside of you. They come from the soul, or from the heart, or where ever - it is just the plain truth. And when you read words that come from the inside of someone, like those words are the words that someone gave birth to, you can't help but feel awe or feel jealousy or smile or feel scared or feel fear or laugh out loud - you answer in reply because you can't help it, it's just a natural reaction.

So when you see a live movie, something as if it came from a movie, you watch their journey through the internet or through the words of others or just anywhere, a real story, it's just amazing.

When you see someone's journey and their words and how they're truely sick of life, or they've fallen out of love, or they've fallen out of love and fallen back in love - and you read their words about how they are in love, the kind of love that is so heart wrenching, where you think about the all the time, where you feel as if your love is jumping off the cliff, the usual shit, and you see them smile and you just feel jealous that you can't experience the same thing.

I want to find someone, not just anyone, but someone who looks and acts like my other half, you know? I just want to fall in love as if I'm falling off a cliff, I want to know that if I fall in love I'll be willing to fight for it any day, that all my thoughts are on that person it's sickening, you know.. that usual shit. I want to give birth to beautiful words, I want people to read me, to stare at me and think - "wow, I want to be that person".

What am I doing?

2012-02-13T21:47:00.000-08:00

Some people have absolutely fascinating, fulfilling lives. They live and they think and they just experience. It just makes you wonder what the fuck you’ve been doing your whole life.

What am I doing? I honestly have no idea.

I just think about my life and wonder if I'm doing the right thing. Daul Kim, she is a model, and wow she just had a way with words and just a way at expressing herself physically as well as mentally, and she said, "Whatever you believe in, you should believe it firmly and visualize it. And it’s good to be aggressive about what you want". She said she knew what she wanted to do at the age of 13 and she got it at the age of 20.

I knew what I wanted to do at the age of 13 but I didn't do anything about it. I let my mind fill with the thoughts of society and what society thinks is best. And what society thinks is best is a regular worker who earns a steady income.

Of course that is not the only reason I'm in college, I'm in college so I don't have to live with my parents my whole life. But I want to be able to do whatever I want to do.

Stephen King says he writes because he was born to write, he was made to write, it's just what he does. And he does so passionately. Why can't I do that?

It's sad that life might work that way, it's just that reality doesn't.

RE: 답장‏

2012-02-13T19:11:00.000-08:00

엄마 & 아빠 ㅋㅋㅋㅋ

이러케 편지 쓰니까 좋네요 -- 한굴말 많이 늘어난거 같아요.
근데 이메일 말고, 전화를 하고 싶어서요! 이유는 편지를 쓰니까, 머리가... 아프네요...
공부 열심히 할께요!!

사랑해요!!!
박소정

P.S. "알차게" 무슨 뜻이에요?

This was really hard... I'm too tired to even translate the letter. Again, there are probably some words that are wrong, but I still feel like I've improved a lot - something I tried mentioning in the letter.

Again, really hard. I'm going to nurse my painful headache now.

That's a shitload of reading.

2012-02-11T18:43:00.000-08:00

I have to say Orson Scott Card is one of my new favorite writers. I have only read three of his books though (Pathfinder, The Lost Gate, and Ender's Game), but I loved every book I've ever read that he has written. I also checked out one of Stephen King's latest books (11/22/63). I feel a little ashamed that I call myself a reader and I haven't read a single Stephen King book yet...

I also have Elizabeth George's In the Presence of the Enemy, and Neil Gaiman's American Gods to read. Also re-reading the Golden Compass by Phillip Pullman. Along with that, I'm reading Habibi by Craig Thompson for my English 202 class. Watching Batman Begin's, as well as a few choice essays about Batman for my Superheroes English 201 class.

That's a shitload of reading.

But they're all enjoyable reading... hehe

Anyways, the point of the post wasn't actually about my reading. It was about Naruto, hehe. I've been re-reading the series, and I have to say the Naruto vs. Pain fight is one of my favorite fights, I could read it over and over again and still feel the same awe I felt when I first read it.

Yay for Naruto!

I also really hope Hinata and Naruto end up together. And if they don't, I would rather Naruto have no romance at all, LAWLZ. Hinata is just so awesome. She pawns Sakura in everyway.

Yay for Hinata!

Sakura can be with Sasuke. Their personalities are very compatible... If Sakura ends up Naruto, I will be a very unhappy fan.

The question I hate the most

2012-02-10T22:00:00.000-08:00

Unless you want a long winded explanation, the question I hate the most is - "what's your story about?" Really. How people expect me to explain pages and pages long of story into one tiny-itty-bitty paragraph is beyond me.

RE: 답장‏

2012-02-10T19:59:00.000-08:00

하이 엄마!

잘지내고 있어요! 나는 요줌에 한굴 만화 보면서, 한굴 공부 헤고 있어요. 한굴말 쓰넝거 만이 늘어나지요?
공부 열심이 해고있어요.

엄마 and 아빠, 사랑헤요!!
박소정

P.S. 아빠 e-mail address 보내 주새요!

I sent this e-mail to my mommy. I've been practicing writing in Korean, and I wrote this all in one sitting, in less than 30 minutes! I'm sure there are some spelling mistakes, but I'm still proud regardless. Here is a translation, if you want it.

Hi Mom!
I am doing well. Lately I have been studying Korean by reading Korean manhwa. Hasn't my Korean writing improved?
I am studying hard.
Mom and dad, I love you!!
Rezina Park
P.S. Please send me dad's e-mail address!

치질?

2012-02-09T22:44:00.000-08:00

맨날 앉다 만 있으니까 치질 생길까? I worked on this sentence for like 30 minutes, and I don't even know if I spelled it right. I've been practicing my Korean, and I think I've gotten better at reading it. Only it's so tiring to read, and I have to read it out loud or else I won't have the patience to finish reading it if I read it in my head. It's too much work, that reading has actually become boring - and I've been reading my favorite comics in Korean.

I understand why my mommy reads out loud in English now. It makes sense.

Anyways, I think I almost had hemorrhoids... but I don't know. It's gone now, does it usually disappear like that? Disturbing and a little disgusting I know.

Dying

2012-02-08T13:52:00.000-08:00

So I usually just post my "omg-this-chapter-was-so-awesome" on the Manga Stream Forum, but since it no longer exists, and I even tried to join the Naruto Forum, but that forum is so huge and there doesn't seem to be a "latest chapter discussion" thread, that I just decided to post all my "omg-this-chapter-was-so-awesome" posts on my blog, with the label manga from now on.

Naruto: I'm excited to see that the confrontation between Naruto and Sasuke is getting closer. I think they're both at the same level right about now, and it's interesting to see if Naruto is going to beat Madara or not. It's supposed to be at the "beginning of the end/beginning of the climax" right now, and it's kind of sad... What will I read once Naruto is over?

One Piece: Join my crew? Along with Jimbei, this new character could the potential 10th member??! And Shichibukai? I wonder which one the leg-guy is targeting?

HunterxHunter: FLIP KILLUA! Gon will probably, hopefully go and help Killua. Hopefully. All this suspense is killing me. And Pariston turned out to be quite the nice guy. Gon's judgement of people always turns out to be correct, so when he voted for him, I knew he wasn't the deceitful guy I thought he originally was.

KHR: As much as I like Hibari and the Acrobaleno, I enjoy reading about Tsuna...

09. Art

2012-02-07T17:18:00.000-08:00

Here is #9 for the challenge that I'm (still) doing. I'm not that great at art, but I do have a old sketch I did of Capeta, one of my favorite anime. For those of you who are unaware of this series it is about a boy named Taira Capeta who kart races and then eventually becomes a Formula racer.

The manga looks really good as well, but there doesn't really seem to be a English translated version of it. It's by the same author who did Dance! Subaru, which is a really great manga.

It's kind of sad that I didn't stick with art, even if I am not good at it, art does provide some relaxation.

Spam

2012-02-07T14:44:00.000-08:00

I'm reading a book called Pontypool in my English 202 class, and it's interesting I guess. It's about zombies, or at least people who have this virus and they become like zombies. It's kind of ... morbid and violent. There is this part in the book where this father gives his baby drugs because the baby can't live without them. Just the thought of that is ... really disgusting. I'm really amazed at a human's ability to write at times like these.

I decided to do a project on Batman for my 201 English class. I'm supposed to be really specific, so I decided to do an "exploration on how relationships influence Batman/Bruce Wayne's dual/secret identity". I'm not even sure if this is specific enough, on my last research proposal I got a D (MY FIRST COLLEGE D!), so hopefully the revised version will get me a higher grade. Both classes are getting harder, I can definitely tell that they have higher expectations of your writing compared to my other classes. It's so exciting.

I leave you with the yummy goodness that is Changmin. I've been fangirling over him lately - along with TOP and Song Joong Ki of course.

Lacking

2012-02-03T00:09:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking lately, and I've concluded that I think too much. I was browsing through the blog of bubzbeauty, and her life is just so great. She has a beautiful home in Hong Kong, she has great friends, she has a boyfriend, she has a wonderful family, she probably has a wonderful job as well. Not to mention she pays attention to her looks and what clothes she wears, and probably she has been able to get all of these things because she has worked hard.

And I think about my own future and how bleak it seems. I've been thinking about this a lot lately, but I'm not sure if the path I am on is the right one. I want to be an English major, and then get a Library Science degree, but... graduate school is expensive and I think that financial aid is different for graduate school. It's not even for sure if I want to even be a librarian, it's just something I thought of doing because I don't have anything I'm good at besides reading books - and I'm not even good at that. I am even unsure if I want to be an English major....

You know, I want this great life like the ones I see other people having but I have so many insecurities that are hard to get rid of, and I have no confidence and I'm lazy but being lazy, and all these insecurities, they are a part of me, and it's really hard coming to terms with them. I think about my own family, and how much I love my parents and my sister, but then I also think about the claws that my father has around our family.

It's just stressful thinking about everything that I'm lacking and the fact that I'm lacking these things that I'm not able to get the things that I want.

My First American Comic Book

2012-01-11T15:24:00.000-08:00

So I bought my first comic book today.

And do you know the feeling when you don't know anything at all and you are afraid you might say something that displays your ignorance? Yep. That was me.

It was kind of awkward and weird because I saw one of my classmates working there, and I think he tried to make me more comfortable in an uncomfortable environment because it was obviously my first time.

And another guy in front of me was buying 70 comic books/issues. That's right. 70. Holy shit.

And I only have one. Fail.

Some people

2012-01-10T13:27:00.000-08:00

I was in class today and in the first row was a slightly over-eager student, and even to me she was a little... over-eager... To the point where she was almost jumping out of her chair. But two girls sitting in the row in front of me started making fun of the girl and started to laugh hysterically. Which was also over doing it, and was more unattractive than the over-eager girl.

Some people.

The College Library

2012-01-10T13:17:00.000-08:00

"The college library" - when I think of these three words, I don't feel the usual expectations I do when I enter a library. I personally love reading, and when you assume that most of the library only contains books for the scholarly reader... I get easily discouraged.

I was wrong though because I went to the library today and there is a whole entire section for fiction and children books. MY LIFE IS COMPLETE.

I only checked out two though because I felt like checking out four at the college library was over doing it.

My Dad

2012-01-07T15:18:00.000-08:00

I hate feeling helpless.

It's a feeling I get all the time, especially when I'm around my dad. I feel incredibly lucky because I don't have to deal with him except over breaks, but I think of my family at home and my sister and my mom. And then I think my mom is pretty strong to be able to have handled all of that for more than 20 years. I think my sister is strong because even though it's hard helping my dad and dealing with him, she does it anyway.

I strive to be stronger when I look at people like my mom and my sister. This is a scary thought, and also sort of embarrassing, but if I didn't have them, I would have probably killed myself a long time ago.

I wish I could do more. It's just ... how do you know where to turn, if you can't see in front of you?

Eight: School

2012-01-05T23:28:00.000-08:00

So I almost forgot about the challenge I was doing.

Anyway, I just started a new quarter and let me say - it is pretty awesome. I'm taking two English classes right now and they are totally fucking awesome. The books in my 202 class are absolutely amazing (zombies, hobbits, wizards, horror, nerdgasms, graphic novel) and the other English class (201) the subject matter is fucking superheroes.

Sadly, I'm known as "cheese girl" because when we were introducing ourselves we had to say an interesting fact about ourselves, and since I'm a pretty uninteresting person, I said I liked cheese. Lame, I know.

WTF Moment

2012-01-05T18:24:00.000-08:00

So over winter break, I went to church for the first time in over a year (I'm catholic) and my father has been not-so-subtly trying to set me up with a nice Korean, Catholic boy, who also happens to go to Western.

I think if arranged marriages were all the rage, I would probably already be married by now. Oh the horror.

I was sitting with my mom and my grandma and my dad and his friends were sitting at another table, right after mass. All of a sudden my dad calls out "소정!" And I walk over to him and he says, "Introduce yourself" (in Korean) and I see in front of me, a rather middle aged Korean man staring at me.

And lo and behold, it's the father of the son, my dad has trying to set me up with.

EMBARRASSING.

The whole time I was stuttering and red and he just sort of asked me a few questions, with a somewhat-I-don't-want-to-talk-to-you-but-I'm-going-to-be-polite sort of voice. Then he brings up the one time his son called me the beginning of last year.

WAE?! Why would you even bring that up?

But I have to admit, I enjoy moments like these because after it's over, it's kind of amusing. Which is the only reason I'm revealing it to my nonexistent readers.

I'm also determined to practice my Korean. I have a practice book meant for 1st graders, so I'm going to read that and then maybe purchase or ask my parents to purchase, a Korean novel (easy one for starters). And then when it becomes December 31st 2012, I'm going to write a blog entry ALL in Korean. My goal/new year resolution!

As for my refund money, I've decided to put 500 dollars in my savings, and then spend the remaining however I want to. I'll (of course) have to spend some of that money towards textbooks that I charged on my account, and then maybe if I have enough remaining, I'll buy the polaroid camera I've wanted.

To those of you out there

2012-01-03T22:42:00.000-08:00

... that still visit me. I need a quick opinion. So I'm getting around ~800 dollars from financial aid and all my tuition and fees have already been paid, so that is my refund amount. And my books approx. cost ~100 to 200 dollars. However I could potentially save 100 dollars by using the astronomy book in the library.

And I need to save all the money I can because my family wants to visit Korea in the summer. But I want to buy a polaroid camera, and that along with the film and the case approx. cost 115 dollars. I've wanted this camera for over a year now but I'm not sure if I want to spend that much money, or if I should save it.

So I have to save as much as I can, and I need to set aside about 100 to 200 dollars for textbooks. Should I spend an extra 100 dollars for a polaroid?

I can't decide because I really, really, really want the polaroid camera. Boohoo.

Fangirling Overdrive

2011-12-20T00:00:00.000-08:00

I want to be friends with a good looking friend, and whenever I think this, it's just one of those moments where I want to slap myself in the face. Like seriously.

This is usually how the conversation goes between myself:
Me: Ohmygod, this dude right here on tumblr is so fine, I want to be friends with him
Me: Shut up. You're being annoying.
Me: He said he hates fangirling
Me: You are fangirling
Me: But I want to be friends with him
Me: Yeah right
Me: It's true
Me: No it's not. You just want to be friends with him because he's good looking and then you want to get it on with him
Me: ............................................................................

Ongoing argument. And then my heart starts to do this nervous squeezing thing whenever I get overly nervous. I'M SO DUMB. WHAT THE FUCK IS THE WRONG WITH ME.

You can even tell that I am having arguments with myself just by reading those last two sentences. FDLDSKJFDISJFDSKJ.

Something is wrong with me. Is there a rehab for girls who border on the stalker-obsession-fangirling-overdrive-mode?

Because that would be the place for me.

I think it's my heart calling out for a potential boyfriend. ANYONE OUT THERE? This would be the moment where I'm standing in one of those caves and all I can hear is the echo.

Echo. Echo. "Anyone out thereeee?"

Blah

2011-12-18T16:42:00.000-08:00

I cannot comprehend how annoying my father is. I hate it when he drinks, and he drinks so fucking much. And when he is angry, he always takes it out on other people.

He just told me to starve because I forgot to feed the dog. We only feed our dog once a day because we don't want him to poop so much. Just because they don't want to take him out. What the fuck man. It's not my fault I forgot to feed him at 3 o'clock.

Jesus, who cares. It's not as if I enjoy eating anway.

And I need a journal. I've been finding a need writing out my thoughts instead of typing them out.

-

2011-12-16T10:23:00.000-08:00

I cried like an idiot yesterday. I was fine but when I got into my room I suddenly just burst into tears. I thought I knew why I was crying, but when I just started suddenly doing it--I just didn't know why I was crying?

I feel like this makes no sense, because I can't make sense of it... I also hate crying in front of my family but I went ahead and did it anyway.

Not Comfortable

2011-12-14T16:49:00.000-08:00

My sister's best friend thinks that I hate her. I don't, but I admit I am really bad at socializing. I know it may sound weird to some of the social people, but I honestly like it when I am by myself. It's more comfortable and I can read and I don't have to worry about having awkward silences or trying to make conversation and only ending up having small talk.

I said to my sister and her friends that I actually don't hate anyone, and my sister called me a liar. I don't hate anyone. I may be annoyed by a couple of people but I don't hate them. I may be frustrated and angry at my dad sometimes but I don't hate him either. When I am angry, I say things I don't mean (like my previous blog post) and I do hate certain things but not people. Just based on personal experience, it's hard to hate someone when people are always changing and have depths to them only really family or their closest friends know.

It's just even harder to express my emotions when people except certain things out of you, when you can't give them those things because you aren't comfortable with them in the first place. It honestly took me a whole year to get used to, get comfortable, hanging around my roommate--and I live with her. That's how bad I am with people.

You know, the only reason I'm worried about getting a boyfriend is not because I know I won't get one or whatever, but because I'm so socially incompetent at the age of 20, that I won't be able to form a relationship. Today we had dinner and I felt like a freak because everyone (which would be my sister and her 2 friends) had some person, relationship wise, to text to and I was the only one who wasn't, and not even contributing to the conversation.

What are some of the signs that people think I hate them? Maybe if someone told me these things, I can just avoid doing them as to not create misunderstandings.

-

2011-12-11T17:14:00.001-08:00

I am fucking tired and sick of the adults in my family. I am sick and tired of not being able to talk about it to anyone when I need to. I can't tell my sister because she doesn't want to hear it and yells at me for being inconsiderate or whatever when I listen to all her complaints and problems because I know she needs someone to listen to. But she doesn't even try and do the same to me. I am sick and tired of not being able to tell my best friend because all she would probably do is stare at me, not knowing what to say, with her mouth probably open.

Shit. Fuck. I hate my parents. I hate my grandma. I hate everyone's goddamn "oh" sound of disappointment when I tell them I want to major in English. I am sick and tired of everyone looking down on me because I'm not cute, or beautiful, I'm socially awkward or incompetent or fucked up or whatever. I am sick and tired of people making judgments on me when I don't deserve them. I am sick and tired of having to repeat myself. I'm just fucking sick and tired of this whole goddamn world and of everyone that is supposed to be mature and wise fuck themselves over and over again and act like fucking children. I'm fucking sick and tired having to cry by my fucking self.

（ ´Д｀）

2011-12-09T22:43:00.001-08:00

I often argue with myself inside my head.

I tell myself that I think I'm meant to be alone because I'm so bad socially, I make excuses and plus I'm lazy--all which are not good combinations. I feel like all the people I am close with, I am not close with. And then when your close friend brags about how many guys have asked her out and then proceed to tell me that "I'll get asked out one day" like I'm lacking something because I've never been asked out since college started and then I say I don't care, when you can obviously tell I do care. Well... you get the general point. I really start to feel annoyed and a little angry at myself and at other people. Mostly at myself though.

I feel like people look at me and see a future failure and that makes me sad. Because I'm afraid that they are going to be right, in the end.

Then my other voice proceeds to tell that voice to shut up and stop being so emo （ ´Д｀）

Rant Warning

2011-12-08T00:48:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I feel really pathetic.

You know your social life sucks when your dad wants to set you up with some random Korean boy--multiple attempts--and then says--

Dad: "You should invite some of your friends over break."
Me: "Okay."
Dad: "Oh wait, you only have that one friend to invite, anyways."

Oh geez, thanks dad for thinking I'm completely friendless. You've read my mind.

And then, some lady says I look just like my dad and my dad talks about it all day. Sure, sure it's cute that my dad finds that so adorable and he doesn't mean any harm, and so on. He's just being an ordinary dad and I should be happy about it. Some people have worse shit for dads than I do, and at least I know my dad honestly cares about me even though he has major issues.

But I don't really want to end up like my father. Anger issues, semi-alcoholic, practically friendless, everyone that gets to know our family seems to feel fucking sorry for us (who wants fucking pity?), fight, argue, argue, low-income. Plus I don't really want to look like my dad....

I know I'm being a douche bag, there are a lot of other people who have it worse than me but honestly I'm tired acting like I'm a saint who cares a shit about other people, tired of acting like I care what other people think about me when I can't do anything about it nor does it do anything positive for me and my state of mind. I want to be fucking selfish, not worry that every little negative action and sin is going to send me straight to hell--I've turned into someone who is worried about doing bad deeds not because they are bad but because I might go to hell.

Even now I worry about what people will think of all my dirty thoughts. Talk about fucking pathetic.

Talk about fucking selfish.

I have started to think that all your problems have to be solved by yourself, ultimately. People can't help you with your problems because they can't change the way your mind works and the individual way you solve your problems or how you reach your conclusion. I've gone to see one of those "specialists" before and she didn't even know my fucking name. Sure it was nice letting it all out but it's just like a vocal blog you don't have to be ashamed of because you know, no one else will know your shitty personality besides the total stranger listening to you. That's all that is in the end.

I (as of late) feel left behind because I'm just me. My personality, the way I act, who I am--all of these things feel like they were designed to leave me behind while everyone else grows up, gets jobs, gets good grades in school, finds someone to love, blah blah blah. It's slow, gradual mental torture (to myself) having a fear that I'll always be left behind while I watch the few who are close to me make new ties and do things that you'll never experience.

Somtimes I feel like I'll flunk out of college and I'll end up completely worthless.

It's my own fault, but saying that just adds to the mental torture, honestly.

At home

2011-12-06T21:47:00.001-08:00

I am officially at home for Winter break :D

I finished all my finals, and I just have to turn in my new media project for my English class by Friday. So for the next two days, I'm going to be working on that--and then I'll show you when I'm done. It's actually an online project, and I decided to make a "choose your own adventure" story online (interactivity). Plus I added a typewriter javascript feature, so it has limited interactivity.

Other than that, I'm worried about my classes, Geology and Philosophy. I always think I do good in my Geology tests but I always end up getting a 60%... and as for Philosophy, I didn't end up finishing all my homework, so I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much.

I'm just worried

2011-12-05T17:25:00.001-08:00

Sometimes... I'm afraid I might fail out of college. I'm not really doing so well this quarter--I have potential to fail Geology as well as Philosophy. I'm iffy about History. I'm doing well in English. Last year, I didn't do that great either and there are just other things that worry me.

I'm just worried. I want to pass. I want to pass. I'm just hoping that I pass Philosophy and Geology because if I don't, my grade point average will drop, and I think my pace will fall below 80%--which is actually worse than not passing a class, if you can believe it.

Anyways... I just want this quarter to be over. I want to be done with science and with my math credits. (Geology and Philosophy are my science and math credits that are required at WWU).

This is what I get for being a lazy bum.

In Korean

2011-12-03T16:13:00.001-08:00

So my dad is always asking 'why do you always ask your sister?' but I don't ask her. She just cares more and asks me the questions, in which I respond with approval. If I don't, she asks me again and if I still say no, than she says she will ask anyways. I sometimes express want but that's totally different compared to expressing it to my sister or my dad. It's a lot easier telling my sister because (1) she is easier to talk to and (2) I don't feel as much burden when I ask her or when I express my little, tiny desires.

It's kind of hard talking to my dad because he is the sort of person who needs to hear explanations and doesn't just take what you say. And he doesn't understand English very well, so I have to do all my explanations in Korean. As if just talking isn't hard enough, I have to explain all my complex reasoning and feelings to him in Korean.

And he asks why I just don't tell him. Psh.

I just go ahead and do it anyway

2011-12-03T12:53:00.001-08:00

I got almost everyone in my family a Christmas present. It's my first time buying a Christmas present, and I don't have a job, so I couldn't really buy anything too expensive >": Hopefully they will like it?

This past week was dead week, and I planned myself a study schedule--that I didn't follow at all. So now instead of relaxing this weekend, reading manga or watching Merlin or something, I'm going to have to study. I know procrastination is horrible to do, but I just go ahead and do it anyway.

100 Q&A's

2011-12-02T17:51:00.001-08:00

I saw this on my sister's blog, and I decided to do it as well, hehehohoho.

What's your middle name? I don't have one..
What are you listening to right now? May by Belle Epoque (Coffee Prince OST)
What was the last thing you ate? A burger, fries and pepsi (healthy, right?)
Who was the last person you talked to on your phone? My sister hehehohoho
What is your hair color? Black (a little brown, I guess--since I dyed it)
What is your eye color? Dark Brown
Do you drink? Nope
Do you smoke? Nope
What is the first thing you notice in someone else? Honestly? If they are Asian or not.
Do you wear contacts/glasses? I wear glasses. Like a boss.
Dogs or cats? BULLDOGS ARE SO ADORABLE. They're my new obsession.
What's your favorite animal? Bulldogs (i.e. meaty or beefy)
What's your favorite television show? Supernatural, Charmed, Merlin
What's your favorite movie? IRON MAN FTW
What's your favorite band/singer? It changes, but right now it's IU for Korean and Jason Mraz for English
How old are you? 20, although sometimes I have to think for like 5 seconds because I still think I'm 19
Do you have a crush on someone? No ㅠ_ㅠ
What's your sexual orientation? Heterosexual
What's your favorite color? Blue, sometimes pink
What was your most embarrassing moment? I can't even.
Do you ever wish you were someone else? Sometimes I guess I feel like that, but no.. not really
What were you like as a kid? Really, really shy
What would your dream house be like? A studio, with one of those upstair bedrooms. I guess that says a lot about my lifestyle...
What last made you laugh? I think it was something on the computer?
What is your favorite word? I don't have one
What is your least favorite word? I don't have oneee.....
What turns you on? I'm not sure, what does this mean? Turns me on how?
What turns you off? uuuuuuuuuuuuuuh
What is your star sign? Do you mean libra?
What are your favorite books? Harry Potter, duh (and a bunch of other books, but HP pawns all)
Do you have any siblings? My favorite person in the whole world, Susan
Do you like to dance? I would, if I could
What is your definition of cheating? Lying to you in specific circumstances
Have you ever cheated on someone? That would imply that I've actually dated............
Do you regret anything? Sure, I do.
Do you have any phobias? I get a little queasy when I'm high up
Ever broken any bones? Nope
Ever come close to death? Literally--no; hypothetically--sure?
What is your religion, if any? Catholic
Have you ever been to a psychiatrist/therapist? Yeah.... she didn't know my name
Are looks important in a relationship? First impressions, sure. I wouldn't necessarily call it important in a relationship
Are you more like your mom or your dad? I think I'm divided. In some ways, I'm like my mom and in others I'm like my dad
What is your favorite season? No season... haha
Do you have any tattoos? Nope
Do you have any piercings? Kind of, I had earrings but they were a hassle to take care of
How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had? NONE. MY LIFE IS STILL INCOMPLETE.
Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character? Harry Potter or Superman, he's just dripping with testosterone
Who is your celebrity crush? I don't have any American crushes, I think... but for British I like Colin Morgan (he plays Merlin in Merlin) and I like Song Joong Ki. WHY?! BECAUSE HE IS SO CUTE. KYAA KYAA.
Are you a virgin? My sister answered this no......................................... But yes, I am one.
Do you get jealous easily? I have no idea. I've never been in a relationship. I get jealous with my sister? I dislike her best friends. THEY ARE TOO CLOSE TO HER. Just kidding. Maybe just a little.
What is your favorite type of food? Fries
Do you ever want to get married? No shit sherlock
Who was your first kiss with? WHY ARE THOU TORMENTING ME
Have you ever been cheated on? ..................................................................
What is your idea of the perfect date? I'M TELLING YOU, I DON'T KNOW
Are you an introvert or an extrovert? Introvert
Do you believe in aliens or life on other planets? Yes. We haven't even begun exploring our own universe, much less our galaxy--so how can we say other life doesn't exist?
What talent do you wish you'd been born with? The ability to pick up languages easily
What is your saddest memory? My parents hurting each other, my dad drinking, my grandpa passing away, watching my mom cry, watching my dad cry, hearing my grandma cry, watching my sister
Do you believe in love at first sight? I don't know... maybe
Do you believe in soul mates? I believe you can create your own soul mates
Have you ever dyed your hair? Yes
Has someone ever spread a nasty rumor about you? No
Would you go against your moral code for money? It would depend on how desperate I am
What are three things most people don't know about you? They're too embarrassing.
Who are you jealous of? Why are you assuming I'm jealous of anyone? But... I am, I would have to say people who are socially capable
Do you sleep with a stuffed toy? Yes, his name is Salt
How long was your longest relationship? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
Is the glass half empty or half full? I don't know.
What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you? Tell me they think I'm the most gorgeous creature that they've ever seen on this whole entire planet, and mean it. hehehehe
Who is your most loyal friend? I'm not so sure about loyal, but my bestest friend is Stephanie
Are you in a relationship? FUCK
If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her? ㅠ_ㅠ
Are you a bad person? Sometimes
Are you a lover or a fighter? A mixture of both? I don't know, I've never had to challenge myself in order to discover if I'm a lover or a fighter
What did you do on your last birthday? Red Robins, it was okay.
What is your favorite quote and why? "It's not about how others look at you, it's about how you look at yourself"
If your best friend died, what would you do? Shock, possibly cry
If you had to go back in time and change one thing, what would it be? Tell myself to get up my fucking ass and get to work
If you only had 24 hours to live, what would you do? Read all my favorite books and tell all the people I love that I love them
What is the strangest dream you've ever had? When I was in elementary school I had a dream I was peeking on adults making out. I think I watched too many movies.
Are you happier single or in a relationship? How am I supposed to know?
Who were you in a past life? A criminal
What is your happiest childhood memory? Everything about Tillicum
Have you ever experienced unrequited love? I don't think love
Have you ever had an imaginary friend? No
If you were the president, what would you do? Learn and listen
What is your ideal career? Writing, I want to be like Tolstoy. He was one of those rich upper-class people in Russia, so he could just write all the time
What is your political affiliation? I'm not smart enough to have one
Are you conservative or liberal? I'm probably liberal
Is the male or female body closest to perfection? Perfection is a word made up by humans
Do you like kissing in public? How am I supposed to know?
If you could change one thing in the world, what would you change? Language, everyone would speak the same language
Where would you like to live? A city/town where I wouldn't have to drive a car
Where would you go on your dream vacation? It changes, but right now--Ireland
Describe yourself in one word. Lazy
Describe yourself in one sentence. Rezina is average looking, lazy Korean-American.
Where do you see yourself in five years? Still in school
What is your greatest accomplishment? Nothing
What is the meaning of life? No idea.

Geez

2011-11-28T18:52:00.001-08:00

So I said I inherited my child-like qualities from my parents. But that is a load of shit. I am a load of shit. I can't believe I said something so stupid and selfish.

Just had to throw that out there. I'm twisted--this actually makes me feel better about myself.

Winter 2012

2011-11-28T15:12:00.001-08:00

My class schedule for the Winter quarter. It's not so bad, I get out by 11AM, but I have to get up really early. I'm especially excited for my English classes. One is about superheroes and the other is fantasy/horror stories. English 202 we are reading The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien so I'm actually really excited, since I've been wanting to read that for a while.

This quarter however sucks balls. Especially Geology 101. I have a suspicion that I'm going to fail the class. I asked the financial aid office though and they said not to worry. I'll still get all the money for next quarter, it's just that it can't happen next quarter or I'll be suspended. And they don't monitor your G.P.A. (grade point average) until junior/senior year.

I hope she knew what she was talking about or I'll be in serious trouble. That or I pass the class. I think if I manage to pass the upcoming finals, I should be fine.

Ugly

2011-11-21T21:04:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I feel really... ugly. There really is no other word to describe my personality. I try to hide it by being someone I'm not, and then I feel even uglier.

Sometimes I wonder why my friends are still my friends. I constantly have doubts about them--whether or not they really consider me their friend, and then I feel even uglier. I'm pretty sure other friends don't have these doubts about people they consider their friends...

So what's wrong with me?

I inherited my child-like behavior from my parents. Specifically my dad. Help me now.

I know, I'm weird

2011-11-18T14:28:00.001-08:00

So I have these brief moments of weird epiphanies. Where I feel cursed for being educated. I start to feel selfish because I want to learn more. There is so much learning to be done, that one can't possibly be satisfied even when you reach the end of your life.

One of the things I like most about writing is that all our writing is writing based on our experiences, what we have learned. There is no end to learning, therefore there is no end to writing all you can write, you can even improve or change directions in your writing. You'll never read all the books in the world. It's just completely fantastic, isn't it?

I have these moments where I feel extremely insignificant and I feel like humans are born selfish, whether or not they are completely selfless (that doesn't make any sense, I know - but to me it does, haha). And there are those moments where you realize even after you die, life goes on. You never know what might happen after you die. You could just be wiped off from existence, and you'll never know you existed because you don't exist anymore. This is when I realize is life is bigger than you. You need to cherish the life you live now, because there might not be a God, or gods, or goddesses, or reincarnations or heavens or become a part of nature, or be born as some alien species millions and billions and millions and gazillion miles away. You could just cease to exist. As if you were never born. And you would never realize this because you gone. This idea is just so hard to grasp my mind around. It blows me away. It just completely blows me away. Just think about it. You would never have existed. But then where would you go? The idea is so vast, it's mind blowing.

And then there are those other moments where you realize there are thousands and thousands of galaxies out there and you don't even know that this universe we are living in, is the only universe. Just like galaxies there is that minute possibility that there could be thousands and thousands of universes. How does one know when a universe ends anyway? And that idea blows me away also.

Sometimes, I feel like I'll just be gone once I'm passed away. I feel like people want to believe in religions and things like that because they want to exist even after they are gone. They want to feel significant. But this is just a thought of my own. I say this, because sometimes I feel like the only reason I believe in God, is because I want to be an existence even after I am dead. But then in some ways you are, even if you don't believe in God or heaven or reincarnation or anything like that, because of the children you bear, or the descendants that come after you. Or the writing that one leaves behind (and so forth). I'm not saying I don't believe in any of that stuff. I believe in God, and I think God is healthy for you. People who spout that shit about "Oh, God doesn't exist because what about all those people starving in Africa? Those sons and daughters dying in war?" Maybe God is selfish like us. Because humans are completely selfish. After all, didn't the idea of God come from the stories we've read or the things we've been taught by the people before us? How is it that conveniently, we can't see God -- but people thousands and thousands of years before us did? And we have no way of proving that besides belief, that God did once talk to the people living on earth. And even selfless people, whether they realize it or not, are selfish in a completely different way.

Everything is just so mind blowing. Life is mind blowing. Human behavior is mind blowing. I can't even explain my thoughts properly. And that's another mind blowing thing. You could try to explain what you mean, what you are thinking exactly, but it might come up as a different meaning in someone else's mind.

I know, I'm weird. (This is what I'm thinking about. If you ever see a girl staring out a window for hours, this is what she is thinking about).

Some people...

2011-11-16T21:54:00.001-08:00

Just because you’re bad at grammar or bad at spelling, doesn’t mean you can’t be a writer… Everyone is a writer. I hope everyone realizes that being a writer and being an author are two completely different things?Some people…

I also hate the assumption that everyone who wants to major in English are good at it or are fantastic with their grammar. Look at me, I want to major in English and I am neither good at writing or fantastic at grammar. And besides writing can always be improved upon no matter how much experience you have or how old you are.

And I hate it when people believe that younger people can't be authors because of their lack of experience. Younger generations have what older generations don't, and vice versa.

Also have a look see at the new icons I made :D I decided to try opening a icon livejournal (if everything works out well). I've improved so much (^;_;^)

So full of insecurities

2011-11-14T22:44:00.001-08:00

I know every girl has them, but I wish I could get rid of mine. It's not physical insecurities that worry me the most (even though I have those also) but it's my personality. I'm always wondering whether or not I have an okay personality, and I know I think too much--I over think social situations.

I need to study tomorrow. I want it to be break. I want to make a Western best friend. I wish all my blog posts were happy ones instead of sappy, sad ones. I want to actually blog about my life sometimes, instead of my thoughts (because I've heard them at least dozens and dozens and dozens of times inside my own head).

Embarrassing.

2011-11-12T22:57:00.001-08:00

Something so embarrassing happened in Downtown Seattle today. Never again going to remember it. I hope I never see his face again.

And my last post was so selfish and vain. That is also embarrassing. I need to strive to be better.

Starting to hate people

2011-11-09T20:22:00.001-08:00

I really, really hate talking on the phone with my mom sometimes. Why must she make me feel like I am lower than dirt?! I love her, I really do but I'm beginning to hate talking to her. She is now saying that since I don't have a job, therefore I don't have enough money to dress up, therefore why would any guy want me? I'll never find anyone and I'll be alone for the rest of my life, just because I don't have a job.

Thanks. I was already worried about that anyway, just pile it on me. This is really silly but I am actually worried that I'll turn 21 without getting my first kiss. I probably will. I haven't even been on a date. I've never been in a relationship with a guy. Never really found anyone I liked. I'm beginning to think there is something wrong with me mentally and physically. Saying this out loud, even typing this makes me feel extremely stupid and petty.

Truthfully, none of this stuff would matter as much but it came from my mom, multiple times. You start to think about it.

Great. Absolutely fucking fantastic. Just the way I want to spend the rest of my life. And I am really beginning to hate college. It also doesn't help when the people you are closest to you told you once that you sound emo. When you are being absolutely serious.

I sound so ugly and depressed. BLEH.

Family

2011-11-09T17:53:00.000-08:00

You don't really realize the importance of family when you are younger because they are always around you, but after coming to college, I started to realize how important my family was to me. I mean, I always complain about my parents and how horrible they are, and they can be sometimes, but you start to ignore all that stuff when you are living away. You start to appreciate the little things and forget all the annoying things (until you go back, haha).

I also realized how important it was for me on how my family thinks of me. It doesn't really matter what other people think about you because they don't know you, but your family knows you so it's completely different. This has changed a lot for me because I feel like by knowing this, I won't be as self conscious and why I can speak with a little bit more confidence and not stutter when speaking in front my classes.

Inheritance by Christopher Paolini

2011-11-09T15:25:00.000-08:00

There might be a few spoilers. I'll try to be as general as possible though.

So the book was good. The ending made me aching for more though, I feel like there could be a whole other series written about Eragon and Saphira and how they reach their new goal, and the new races added into the mix and how that will fair. There are so many openings for new storylines, that I hope Christopher Paolini will somehow incorporate that into another story. And this isn't a spoiler since everyone knew it was going to happen sooner or later if you have read the previous books, but I don't understand why Eragon can't come back to Alagaesia again... Too busy? Meh.

It also amazes me how sad I felt when I realized that Eragon was so different and mature compared to the first book. I read the first book in the 6th grade, and now I am in College. Life passes by so quickly. People (characters in this case) grow up so quickly.

I'm always so sad to finish a series that is so good. It makes me wish they never ended, haha. But that would be impossible and unless you were a God at writing, it would eventually get boring.

The book was good though.

It blows my mind

2011-11-06T22:30:00.000-08:00

ohmygosh, why is Naruto so amazingly epic? It blows my mind. I also want to join a fun forum, but I can't seem to find one... Either that, or make one but I always seem to fail at making forums.

Seven: Fate

2011-11-05T18:40:00.000-07:00

I don't believe in fate. At least, nothing so far has led me to believe in fate. What proof is there, that fate exists? That all people have a so called "destiny"? Those are the words of dreamers who don't accomplish anything. People who believe in meeting their "fate" or their future "soul mate" are the words of someone too deep in love to realize, that it is their love talking. I'm the kind of dreamer, who dreams of wielding her own fate in her own hands. Suffer thee consequences and receive the prizes from all the choices that I have made for myself up until this point.

First Kiss

2011-11-04T21:41:00.001-07:00

Is it too much to ask if I want my first kiss before I turn 21? I mean, at least a little, tiny peck from the man of my dreams? Or any decent man at all? Before I am old and wrinkly and an official adult? Please?

And isn't the new layout all nice and pink and fluffy? >:

The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern: Six

2011-11-03T22:31:00.000-07:00

So I finished a book called The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern. I am not sure if I liked it or not, but it was not boring. And it was also a kind of weird sort of book.

It's about two players and how they influence their surroudings--specifically a circus. This also might be the first time that I liked characters beside the main characters. I think I liked Bailey the most because he was straight foward. The other two main characters were confusing.

It's sort of like a fairy tale novel for the modern adult. Notice I used the word "modern" and not just "adult"

I say this because fairy tales used to be written not for children, but more for adults also. This book is more for adults only, and has elements that only a modern person would appreciate, I think. The ending left me feeling unsatisfactory, as if not everything was accomplished. It was an accumulation of separate stories of the same characters and then melded to become one story. And you never really get to find out about the circus, how it ended, what happened to the original proprietor and what become of him at the end (literally).

And how the two lovers end up and how he reconciles his relationship with the fortune teller is unsatisfactory as well. I didn't really relate to the characters, and so I can't remember their names. I can only remember the main characters name with effort and Bailey's easily. I think that is one of the problems--the fact that I found one of the "supporting" characters (if you can call him that) more interesting than the actual players (Celia and Marco).

But all in all, I finished the book so I didn't hate it. I am not sure if I liked it, because it was so weird and it feels incomplete.

Obsession

2011-11-03T19:20:00.000-07:00

When I admire someone, I become obsessed.

Honestly, I think you can see what kind of person someone is with suicide. There are 3 kinds of people. (1) The people who actually do what they say they are going to do (2) Chicken-shits who say they are going to do it but only ever think about it and (3) People who say they are going to do it, to gain the attention of people who they want to pay attention

I'm 2. I admire 1. It's not that I'm saying that I admire people who want to kill themselves. But the fact that they actually do it. Those are the ones who actually realize true pain and what it means to really feel like you want to die, not to be afraid of dying (even though you might think about it), and then when they find that they want to live--they live and not act like complete asses about it.

Truthfully, I am becoming more and more disgusted with myself. I want to be number 1 but I am finding that I just can't go through with it because I simply don't have a good reason. I don't want to suffer but I want myself to go through suffering so I might know what it feels like to live.

That doesn't even make sense, but it makes complete sense to me. I also want to be the type of person who writes deep philosophical shit that sounds absolutely fantastical and is an absolute dream to read. I want to look fabulous in anything I wear--even sweatpants and a huge sweater. I want to stand up straight, my nose up in the air, my gaze everlasting. I want to be the type of person who gets obsessed over, and not the other way around. I want people to admire me because I'm so full of wonderful shit. I want to know what it feels to be me, what kind of person I am--and if I do know who I am, I want to be able to not drown myself in partial denial.

I want to make my parents proud, and not make them suffer all the time. I want to live my life like that way I imagine it is going to be and not the only way it looks in my head. I want it to escape.

I want to drown myself in writing, I want to be good at making people happy. I want to be confident of myself but I don't know how. I want people to look at me when I smile and automatically think, "Wow she has a gorgeous, beautiful smile"

But why would I deserve all that great shit when I don't even do anything to deserve it? I don't make efforts to socialize, I don't make an effort to make money, I don't make an effort to offer my services, I don't make an effort to study, I don't make an effort to make my family happy.

I realize all of this, about myself, and what is worse, I just sit and type about it. I am so thoroughly disgusted with myself. And I just sound like pathetic chicken-shit. I am just a wannabe pathetic loser wanting to live someone else's skin.

So all I do is stare at people who seem to be all those things and just stare in obsession.

Those Faults

2011-11-02T00:11:00.000-07:00

I feel so pathetic sometimes.

These days I'm finding so many things to stress about that it's all a huge jumble in my head. I get nervous too easily. I find new things to stress about too easily. I want, I want to possess things too easily. I give up too easily. Sometimes, I worry or I have a strong desire to just give up altogether. I am just too easy. It bothers me, and I should change that about myself but how do you change your emotions? How you feel?

I sound so fucking sappy it's making me want to throw up, but... I mean, I really do feel all those things all the time. I start to wonder if there is something wrong with my personality, maybe I am annoying and so that is why I can't seem to make a friend. It's not like I ignore anyone. Just the people who seem to make me nervous. Maybe I am the annoying person. After all, isn't it annoying when someone says they want to hang out with you, but always reject your invitations? A flaker, that's what I am--and flaker's are pretty annoying. I mean, it's come to a point where they've stopped sending me invitations.

Another thing that bothers me is that I always want to receive things from my sister. It has become so easy not to obtain a job, be the eventual cause for your family's loss of home and never give anything in return.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

And then I just always dream, instead of do. I always dream of skipping all the hard parts and just getting to the good parts in my life.

I mean, seriously? Who do I think I am?

There is this person I have found on tumblr that I admire. I don't know her, but... I've talked about this person before and she/he is simply a kick-ass person. I want to be like her, in some ways. She's so confident, and she makes the effort. She may be depressed of some sort, but she even has kick-ass friends, kick-ass followers, she has people that come to her for help or even people that just want her to hear her problems. I am not sure if anyone realizes this, but to have a person actually come to you and ask for help means that they think that you are a person that is worth helping them. Which is a pretty amazing thing.

I've never had that happen to me.

Not to mention I feel incredibly stupid in school right now. All that comes out of my mouth is "oh, I'll study" "I'll get good grades" and then when I don't do anything I say "this is God's way of punishing me"

I mean, what the fuck? Who do I think I am? The reason I am so worried about school is because I fucking don't make the effort.

I wish I knew what kind of person I was, so I could be that person confidently and find people that like me for who I am, who I really am.

It's healthier complimenting yourself, but why is it so easy finding so many fucking faults?

So Frustrated

2011-10-31T15:28:00.000-07:00

So about two - three weeks I e-mailed my group members for a presentation. I'm not sure if they are just super smart, super relaxed or just not too worried -- but I am none of those.

No one e-mailed me back, except for one group member--who doesn't even to be concerned, seeing as how I have had to make all the contact--and there is only a week left for a 45 minute presentation. Now I am scared that instead of 4 people, 2 people will have to do the presentation. I hate talking in public and of all things the girl who e-mailed me said "Thanks for being a leader"

GREAT. BURDEN. BURDEN. BURDEN.

I hate presentations. Why does life hate me so much? Why couldn't I have been stuck with reliable group members instead of un-reliable people? At least give me an agenda to work with so I won't be as worried that it's already Monday, our 45 minute presentation is next Wednesday and we haven't done anything to get prepared for it.

All we have is discussed what times to meet and not even where to meet. I bet you she won't even e-mail me back to ask where we are meeting. I will probably have to send her another e-mail--me being the first one to contact again.

I FEEL LIKE SUCH A LOSER.

I HATE PRESENTATIONS. I HATE PRESENTATIONS. I HATE PRESENTATIONS.

OKAY

2011-10-30T10:47:00.000-07:00

"You're the one that wanted to come home"

OKAY. Didn't have to be so rude about it. Now I'm just upset.

And why did dad call me and interrogate me if I fed the dog. I don't even know what time the dog eats?! And my dad won't feed him until night because he thinks he'll get angry and feisty, apparently something he read from the internet.

OKAY.

At the end of the day, my mom is the only one who really knows what she is talking about. Everyone else in my family just says one thing and when I come home, say the complete opposite.

Nara

2011-10-29T23:35:00.000-07:00

So I am at home and going back up to college around 2PM.

I had a lot of fun this weekend. The doggy is so cute D: I will miss him terribly. I kept calling him a she though, haha. He hasn't been potty trained, so hopefully he learns soon. He is only around a year though, and my parents got him from the adoption center.

Did you know this month is "adopt a shelter dog month"??!! No wonder random dogs were on the news.

My dad and mom also commented on how "pretty" I am now and how much my skin has cleared up and "why don't I have a boyfriend?" and "Why aren't guys chasing you?" sort of thing.

Oh, parents.

Jealousy, why art thou tormenting?

2011-10-26T21:36:00.000-07:00

So I'm browsing on tumblr and I come across--what seems to be a girl's--tumblr page.

Oh no. She is actually a he and is quite possibly one of the most hipster people I've seen on tumblr. One of the things is that she is a he, and he is actually really effeminate and looks completely like a girl. OHMYGOD, GOD, MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE, WHYYY DO YOU TORMENT THE GIRLS WITH BOYS WHO LOOK BETTER THAN GIRLS?! Not to mention he is Korean. And eats healthy. Clear skin. Huge eyes. Thin. Great fashion sense. Supportive family. Great friends.

I am thoroughly depressed right now. Ohmygod, I'm depressed for someone's happiness...

This sort of reminds me of the time when my sister thought this ulzzang was the cutest guy ever, and it turned out to be a girl. Of course the situation is switched right now.

Geology 101

2011-10-24T15:56:00.000-07:00

I am beginning to hate this class. With a passion. When I first started this quarter, I told myself that I would get at least all A's and B's. Last year all I did was slack of and the majority of my grades were C's.

Oh no, but not this year. This year I would be a hard working student.

What a load of bull crap. Now I am going to be happy if I even pass this stupid Geology class with a fucking C. See there? I am so angry at myself that I started cursing on the internet. I especially hate the lab. And to fucking think, that I have to take another science lab.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

I hate these stupid GUR's. I understand if you have to take the basic English 101, blah blah blah. But we have to do all these social science, communication, math, comparative credits (etc, etc) BEFORE we go on to the requirements for the major you actually want to do.

It's meant for people who don't know what to do. But honestly?! You learn all of that stuff in high school. And generally people will take classes outside their majors if they are interested in other subjects. I already know what I fucking want to do for the rest of my fucking life.

I hate science with a passion, and taking 3 more fucking science classes is not going to change my opinion on it. And now because of these stupid (science) requirements, if I fail one of these classes I have to pay more money to take a science class again, because if I don't take it I don't "pass" college, and my financial aid could be potentially on probation if I don't pass.

Great. Great. GREAT. This is just fucking fantastic.

A day with my sister

2011-10-21T21:10:00.000-07:00

So I hung out with my sister today because she came up to visit her friends and I.. It was nice to see her but there was honestly nothing to do, and we hung out with her friends most of the time. It was pretty awkward but I handle awkward situations pretty well now... Only because I'm so used to them.

My dad called several times today :D We have a new dog, a chihuahua named Pablo but my dad gave him a Korean name, Nara (나라), which actually sounds pretty girly for a male dog, but whatevs.

My sister confessed to me today that my dad wants me to get a (Korean) boyfriend. That would be nice I guess, only it's pretty impossible right now.

Other than that, my mommy got me a bag full of chocolates, so I'm pretty happy at the moment.

Wasting your time

2011-10-21T16:33:00.000-07:00

I was in Philosophy today and this girl was being super annoying. The whole time she shook both her legs like no tomorrow. The whole hour. I wanted to tell her to stop... but I figured that might be a little rude, so I just tried to ignore her.

What was even more annoying is that she sat right next to me, and didn't even try to pay attention to class, take notes, she did nothing but play on her cellphone. I mean seriously, if you're not going to even pay attention and all you are going to do is play on your cellphone the whole entire time, why come to class anyway?

It seems a little rude to spend your parent's money by wasting it by playing on your cellphone. The whole class period. Not to mention the shaking legs. It's not like the cellphone will go anywhere after class.

Anyways, on to the second part of the questions, these were also very...... philosophical and general which annoyed the shit out of me like the last part.

26. Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones?
Lose all of my old memories. Not making new ones is pretty much the same thing as dying.

27. Is it possible to know the truth without challenging it first?
I don't think so.

28. Has your greatest fear ever come true?
No.

29. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? Does it really matter now?
Yes, it does.

30. What is your happiest childhood memory? What makes it so special?
When I lived in Tillicum, a small town. Not a care in the world, no period, play with boys without feeling self conscious, play hide and seek at night....

31. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?
Never?

32. If not now, then when?
I don't know. How am I supposed to answer this? Geez, this is just like "Why are you, you?"

33. If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?
.................................. Have you ever thought that maybe it just can't happen yet? What if my moment of feeling "passionate and alive" is to have twin boys, a husband and a cocker spaniel. Do you honestly expect me to have twin boys when I am only 20 years old and still in college? Do you honestly expect me to be married when I have never dated in my entire life? AND do you expect me to have a cocker spaniel when I live in a freaking dorm?

I'm beginning to feel as if the person who made up these questions listened to, too many self-help talks and happy pills.

34. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?
No, I wish I did.

35. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars?
Because all religions think they are the ones that are right. I guess it's not sinful to kill your enemies. Plus, technically, they don't love "rival" religions. Which is pretty hypocritical, I guess.

36. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil?
No. Do you think you are all-knowing? I think not.

37. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job?
No. I would save it and make millions more.

38. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing?
More work I actually enjoy doing. Why would I choose less when I am usually bored out of my mind anyway?

39. Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before?
Yeah... Sadly....

40. When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in?
What? Could you be any more general? (Again?)

41. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today?
No one, all of them would come visit me, haha. Just kidding! We would just have a group party!

42. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?
I could lie through my teeth and give the noble answer, but honestly life is easier when you're attractive, maybe not when you are famous. So yeah, probably.

43. What is the difference between being alive and truly living?
Alive is being a blue-collar worker. Living is spending your life doing the things you love, and helping other people besides just yourself.

44. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right?
You just sort of answered the question within the question.......

45. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?
Because, we don't want to learn from our mistakes. I want to feel superior to everyone else who learns from their mistakes and be a genius.

46. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?
Everything. Just kidding, everything would stay the same. I would still judge myself.

47. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing?
When I was about to sleep.

48. What do you love? Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love?
Not recently.

49. In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday? What about the day before that? Or the day before that?
No, definitely not. Nothing significant happened this week.

50. Decisions are being made right now. The question is: Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?
Right now? I'm making it myself. No one is forcing me to go on the computer and procrastinate on my reading and homework. I decided to do it myself.

I want to do something meaningful

2011-10-20T23:20:00.000-07:00

I want to do something meaningful with my life.

I came across a blog of a girl who is only 18 years old and she is already teaching students her age and older in Korea the English language. I have to say--that is absolutely amazing and completely brave. Not only is she in a foreign country, but she's teaching English! To students who are around the same age she is! Not to mention she wasn't even a English major or working to become a teacher, but she was some type of computer major. And all she had going for her was the love she developed for Korea. I am in complete awe.

I know that most people don't usually start their careers until they graduate college, and even then, that person might not do anything meaningful except for the general routine (go to work, sleep, eat). But I don't want to be that person.

I want some meaning in my life. I want for the first time, to push past my social boundaries and actually achieve something for others and do something that gives me satisfaction.

But all I am doing currently is lounging in my bed, on my computer, most of the time making icons, reading manga, reading romance or YA fantasy novels. Procrastinating on my homework.

And when I am older, I'll probably be the regular blue-collar worker. Achieving nothing but long, boring hours shelving books.

But I'm determined not to be that person. I'm going to reach a high point in my life and stay there for the rest of my life.

~~I also found this questions thing on http://blog.thegypsies.net, so I decided to do it myself because it looked so intriguing~~ Okay.......... so I did the questions but after doing them, some of them are ... a little stupid. Maybe it's just the way I was raised, or the experiences I've gone through that's lead me to think "are you shitting me?"... but, I mean seriously? "Why are you, you?"

This is only the first part though, so I'm going to try to do the second part, anyways.

I also realized that my personality is really weird for someone who wants to write YA fantasy novels in the future.... haha

1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?
The same age probably.

2. Which is worse, failing or never trying?
Never trying.

3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?
We can't choose to do things we only enjoy. Life would be stupid, and humans would never learn.

4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?
Yes, I have.

5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?
Greater knowledge.

6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?
Reading YA fantasy novels.

7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?
I think so. I hope so.

8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?
I wouldn't have gone to school for 20 years, I would have done something more productive and set off to learn through experience.

9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?
None of it. Okay, maybe 1/3... I laugh at the people who think they have controlled their lives. Our parents have controlled it and the people we choose to hang out with, control it. We might make the choices and choose where we want to go and how we want to live our lives, but our choices are paved there by everyone, not just yourself.

10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?
I'm more worried about doing things right, sadly.

11. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do?
I'd argue and tell them that they were wrong, and they know nothing about her.

12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?
I wouldn't, they wouldn't understand. I would tell it to them when they are old enough to understand, fully, what I am telling them.

13. Would you break the law to save a loved one?
Depends on the situation. Or if the law even needs to be broken in order to save them.

14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?
Nope.

15. What’s something you know you do differently than most people?
So far, I'm pretty ordinary.

16. How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?
Everyone is different. If everyone liked the same things I did, that would be creepy. What a stupid question..

17. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What’s holding you back?
Sit next to a really cute guy in class and introduce myself. I've never done it because I'm too self-conscious.

18. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?
Not really. My past is pretty sucky. Actually, I lied. Maybe. Possibly. Most likely....

19. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?
Korea because it's where most of my family is. Or New York.

20. Do you push the elevator button more than once? Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster?
No...

21. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?
Simpleton's can be dangerous sometimes. I'd rather be the worried genius.

22. Why are you, you?
.......................................

23. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend?
I hope so.

24. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?
Losing touch with a good friend who lives right near me.

25. What are you most grateful for?
My family, especially my sister.

Avengers 2012

2011-10-19T14:29:00.000-07:00

Captain America: "Take away that armor and what are you?"

Iron Man: "Uh, Genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist?"

My favorite part of the trailer. I AM SO EXCITED!

I feel like a lazy bum today, and I wish I wasn't so sensitive. I have serious mental problems.

OHMYGOSH, I'M DYING (not really)

2011-10-18T22:18:00.000-07:00

http://www.allkpop.com/2011/10/t-o-p-yoon-eun-hye-get-steamy-for-w-magazine

OHMYGOSH. Two of my favorite people, together, in a Photoshoot. Yoon Eun Hye and Top (from Big Bang). I'm dying. Of happiness. (I am so creepy). It almost makes up for Song Joong Ki for having a girlfriend.

Difference in Status

2011-10-18T22:09:00.000-07:00

I hate when people take for granted what they have and others don't.

One of the things that annoys me the most about my roommate is that she talks crap about other people, and always mentions her sister and how spoiled she is. But what she doesn't realize, is that she herself... sounds extremely spoiled. Most of the time.

I understand that's it is harder to notice what you have when you grew up with it... but I realized that she doesn't realize how lucky her life is in some ways. It annoys me.

I realized that people are always going to think they are right, and she makes it all the more obvious is because I always feel that she looks down on people who can't afford the things her family can afford. And not only money, but money affects your relationships--especially with your family and your parents and their own relationships to their spouses and their children.

That's not to say I don't like her. I do, because she has a big heart and she doesn't judge you. She makes you feel comfortable and is a good talker.

I don't know. I just wish I was granted the ability to look at myself the way I look at her, because who knows? I may annoy someone exactly like the way I am annoyed with the way my roommate acts. I like comic book heroes or books or manga or Korean dramas, because you know that there is a goal, some type of goal, that is going to be accomplished. Each character has their lows and their flaws, but they recognize it and they have their highs also. Sometimes, their lives are even predictable.

I wish my own life was predictable, so I can look at myself the way a stranger might.

Five: Dreams

2011-10-18T17:48:00.000-07:00

My dream is to publish a book before I graduate college or graduate school. To become a kind of person I admire, to learn everyday (enjoyably), love myself & be happy with myself, and to be the kind of person who helps others.

Strong Heart Life Tips

2011-10-18T14:13:00.000-07:00

So on Strong Heart (a Korean variety show), a guest came out named 조혜련, Jo Hye Ryun. I never knew, but she is extremely intelligent. She is an extremely intelligent human being. She was saying that there is a scale that goes from 1 - 1000. In the upper regions we have people like Mozart, Buddha, Jesus Christ.

In the 20s, there are only people who think "I can't do this, I want to die" people who only think of suicide as their main goal. Then we have those around the 75 range, those who want to eat. Like you want to live, you begin to eat--that sort of thing. In the 125 range, you have those with only selfish thoughts--"I want this or I want that." (I do this a lot).

And in the 200 range, you finally get the hopeful, trying hard sort of people. These are where most of the population is at and those that go back and forth from being happy to not being happy with your life.

She said, that all peoples should strive to reach over 300. And in the 500 range, according to Jo Hye Ryun, there is only 4% of the population. And these are the people who really don't think about themselves, but think about ways to help other people. People who strive to help other people. People who are really happy with themselves.

I thought this was an inspiring lesson, especially when she mentioned when people have thoughts like "I want to live better than my parents"

That's a pretty selfish though, and I admit... it's a thought I frequently have. I'm not sure about you but I always think this way because my dad is a drinker, and we live in public housing (which for those of you who do not live in the US, it is government housing for low income families). But after listening to her, I realized that is the bad part of my family's life, and I am completely ignoring the good parts.

She says that in order for people to reach over 300, they must do 3 things.

Walk, raise your serotonin levels (to balance your hormones)
Listen to good music
And love

Those people in the 500 range know truly how to love. (Loving comes with also learning how to love yourself).

When I'm older, when I'm 50 years old or 70 years old, I still want to live life to the fullest--look forward to the future instead of watching back and only concerning yourself with watching events pass you by. That's the sort of person I want to strive to be.

I added comments

2011-10-17T22:52:00.000-07:00

I added comments.

Which totally goes against why I moved blogs in the first place but I did it anyway to see how it goes. I start to feel bad when I add comments on my blog though, because I hadn't told anyone I was moving... blogs... I just sort of put it up on the homepage. But I noticed that some people actually added my link even though I hadn't gave them any notice ><

And I also only offered a brief explanation on why I moved blogs, which probably didn't make sense.

I actually did it to relieve some of my stress. I felt like my offline life and my online life were slurring my borders. I couldn't tell which was which, and not allowing people to comment felt like I didn't have to worry about what other people thought.

There is also that thing, where I sometimes post so often it's hard for people to even get a comment in... haha

But I guess it's good to receive some feedback once in a while. Putting it that way does make it seem like I am running away, doesn't it?

I also have no idea why, but I really like this Korean band. All the members are so likeable, haha. Here's another video, with Lee Seung Gi's new single. I need all the ear candy I can get because I JUST FOUND OUT SONG JOONG KI HAS A GIRLFRIEND?! When I read that, my heart literally broke into a thousand little pieces.

New Layout + Four: Family

2011-10-17T18:36:00.000-07:00

So I updated lazycirl with a new skin :D It's a modification, and after just modifying it, I'll probably never get to learning how to code one from scratch.

I like the icons the most :D I found most of them @ http://animanga-icons.livejournal.com, an amazing livejournal full of inspiration for icon-makers. That plus it's a bonus if you like anime or manga. (All the icons are credited on the "misc" page).

My dad called me yesterday. He always ends his calls with a "byyong" or "뿅" haha. I guess it could be kind like a "boing" sound effect? He told me that I should just come home if I wanted to, and decide not to come just because someone (*AHEMMOM*) told me not to.

My sister and my dad both offered to take me home. My sister also told me she loved me, in the last text message I received from her. I think she was worried about my mental well-being, which is why she said something she doesn't usually say that often.

I want this week to be over. I know it just started but I don't want to take my midterm this Friday. It's philosophy. I like it better than math, but I hate it at the same time. Like math it's pretty logical and straightforward, with all these rules... but it's also pretty complicated having to do with confusing sentences you have to put under a certain category.

I also have to start my "historical character/fictional" essay for my East Asian history class--the rough draft is next Monday. If anyone is interested, I thought I would do it on Empress Wu. She was a Chinese Empress during so-and-so century. It was also said she got her position by manipulating and killing/exiling her own sons. Basically your historical bitch.

We can do our "historical character/fictional" essay on someone fictional, but I figured a real person might be easier to write an essay on.

I'm also pretty lonely these days. It's weird. I'm lonely but I absolutely hate socializing. But as you can tell (from all my other blog posts) my dislike for socializing trumps my loneliness by a huge margin.

My Suitemate

2011-10-16T18:01:00.000-07:00

So for a couple of weeks now, I've gotten the feeling that one of my suitemates, doesn't really like me. This morning, we were talking. And I told her that in Korea, they eat dogs.

And then she goes, "Oh, so Korea is the country that eats dogs?"

Obviously, I told her yes. But ... I'm pretty sure that Korea is not the only country that eats unspeakable things. But she made it sound like an insult. And I'm also pretty sure she only talks to me (especially during the weekend) because she told me once, that she can't go without talking for a day. And since I'm the only person in the rooms (because both her and my roommate go home over the weekend), she talks to me.

I don't know. I may be thinking about it too much but... It's just one of those instinctual feelings...

Running Man 2011.10.16

2011-10-16T10:50:00.000-07:00

SBS‘s popular variety program ‘Running Man‘ was forced to undergo an unscheduled cancellation for this week’s episode, thanks to the baseball game between the Lotte Giants and the SK Wyverns.

Although viewers were warned in advance that the show would be delayed, it was announced that the program would be cancelled outright as the game dragged into overtime. The game ended up finishing at approximately 6:30 PM, an hour after ‘Running Man’ was scheduled to begin.

As word of the cancellation reached the expectant viewers, criticisms descended from left and right, with viewers saying “If pro baseball is going to be like this, send it to cable!” and “I’ve been waiting, why isn’t it airing!”

Meanwhile, this week’s episode had been drawing additional expectations thanks to the return of former cast member Song Joong Ki as well as guests Kim Joo Hyuk and Kim Sun Ah.

The cancelled episode will be broadcast next week, with additional episodes being pushed back by one week.

OH NO THEY DIDN'T! I didn't even know that Song Joong Ki was supposed to guest in this episode, and it's cancelled?!?! My life was feeling pretty sucky already, and now it has sunk to an all time low because I can't watch my Sunday show ):

One whole week....

article from allkpop

Tests + Three: Art

2011-10-15T16:06:00.000-07:00

I had two tests yesterday, Geology and History. I think I did okay. I have a midterm for Philosophy this week. The class is pretty interesting, surprisingly, since it's pretty logical, like math.

Other than that, I don't know what's wrong with me. I think I've been getting depressed lately. I recognize the symptoms... but I mean, I don't want to be depressed, so I don't think I am at the same time? Whatever it is, I always just feel tired. And not just in the physical sense.

I feel... like... life is just really boring. And then I think about all the stuff I should do, but am not doing and then think about what other college students are doing and then I start to feel disgust at myself--if anyone follows. I need to go out. I need to go out. I need to go out.

I think if I keep telling myself this, I'll actually do it one day.

Other than that, I've got my letter from Delphine :D She sent me a picture, because I asked (haha). She lives in France, ooh la la. I told my roommate and she was immensely jealous.

October 12, 2011

2011-10-12T20:00:00.000-07:00

My mom has called me for the past few days and all she has ever said to me is my sister. She is comparing me to my sister constantly. CONSTANTLY. I was so stressed out and upset that I actually started crying in front of my suitemates and my roommate.

I was so embarrassed.

Here is a little Charmed fact. I've been watching the old TV show Charmed, and the little boy who plays Wyatt is actually two boys--they're twins! Kind of like the Olsen twins in Full House. They also got scared of the actors who played the demons, which I thought was really cute, haha.

Things I hate + Two: Hate

2011-10-11T13:37:00.000-07:00

Two things I hate are my Geology lab and my tutorial class for history. Well my lab more than my tutorial class.

Not much to say. Hate is a pretty strong word, so I wouldn't necessarily say I hate those things--more of an annoyance really. I started reading two new books (which I don't hate) called State of Wonder and also Matterhorn.

I am also going home this weekend. Hip hip hurray!

The Son of Neptune

2011-10-08T00:42:00.000-07:00

So I read the Son of Neptune, you know... the second book of the Heroes of Olympus I've been anxiously waiting for. It was really good. I still like the Roman and Greek demigods and that Percy is in this series as a main character. BUT--

Jason didn't show up at all. Also one measly line from Leo. We never got to actually meet Lupa. And the last line was "Let me introduce you to my other family" delivered by Percy. LAME. Now I need to wait for the third book to wait for interaction between Percy and Jason and the Roman demigods and the Greek demigods. Great. Absolutely fantastic. (This is sarcasm if anyone can't tell). Not to mention the next book is only the third book. Apparently, it looks like there are going to be two more books after the third book. Even more years of frustrated anticipation.

Oh well, it was good. And I'm excited for the third book. Also excited for Inheritance. Which comes out next month!! Gosh, I remember when I first read Eragon. I must have been in the 6th grade. Geez, time flies by fast.

Little Princes by Conor Grennan

2011-10-07T21:09:00.000-07:00

I just finished reading a book called Little Princes. And let me say, that book is absolutely amazing. It's about a nonprofit program called Next Generation Nepal, and it helps children who have been taken from their homes and they try to find their families. It's his story about how it all began.

This one guy, just from hard work and determination managed to help improve the lives of so many children. His effort, his story and his love for the country and the children are just absolutely amazing.

I'm awe-spired. And I usually have a hard time reading books besides fantasy or teen fiction. This book was so enjoyable and touching.

Awkward & One: Love

2011-09-30T19:04:00.000-07:00

So I have told my sister's best friend that we would eat together for like the past 3 days, and it's never worked out so far. I feel kind of guilty... Should I feel guilty? I realized after speaking to my mother today that the fault is mine that I have little or no friends. I have to go out and socialize, be willing to push past my comfortable boundaries, be more sure of myself and I'll find people I actually like talking to and hanging out with. Just sitting in my room, hoping someone will sit next to me in class isn't going to be enough if I want to make more friends. I have to be the one sitting next to people I think I will get along with, and making the effort talking to boys that I think are good looking and just push my worries aside. Who cares if they think I am weird? I should be thinking it is their loss, right?

I went to dinner with my suitemate today. I've never actually hung out with her alone w/o the company of my roommate before, and it was kind of awkward....

Truthfully today, I started thinking about things that made me teensy bit upset. I felt like something is wrong with me because I've never fallen in love before, I've only ever had crushes that I can't really let go of. When someone says or asks if I've ever had a boyfriend, I feel even worse and a bit lonely. I start to regret the past decisions I made because I feel like those kinds of opportunities where a decent guy had actually liked me will never really happen again. Why would anyone really like me if it takes time for me to be comfortable and actually talk to them in the first place? I'm not even the most good looking girl out there, and my personality is just pretty average.

There I go again. But I can't help myself especially when it comes to writing in a blog. I already feel like a broken record.

I don't know. Making and putting forth an effort is hard. I just wish that it was easier sometimes. I really don't know what's wrong with me.

(I changed the color scheme again--I feel like I'll keep changing it until I'm satisfied)

Challenge

2011-09-30T15:44:00.000-07:00

So I had this at my old blog, but I totally forgot that I was going to do this =_='' So I am putting the list back up again, and I'm going to start it now instead of when school starts (because obviously school has already started). I'll try to do it everyday, instead of once a week, haha. It shouldn't be too hard since I'm always on the computer.

~~01. Love~~
~~02. Hate~~
~~03. Art~~
~~04. Family~~
~~05. Dreams~~
~~06. Books~~
~~07. Fate~~
~~08. School~~
~~09. Art~~
10. Movies
11. Happiness
12. Time
13. Style
14. Nature
15. Fun
16. Friendship
17. Television
18. The Past
19. The Present
20. The Future
21. Music
22. The World
23. Beauty
24. Health
25. Food
26. The Internet
27. Fantasy
28. Reality
29. Passion
30. YOU

I sit in a wooden chair all day long

2011-09-27T14:15:00.000-07:00

I went to my Geology lab today.

It's a pretty small class, and I curse myself--only because I'm so socially retarded and I'll be that fool who only laughs and grins during the whole entire class, not speaking one word. And there will be that super social and talkative kid in the other corner, making you feel uncomfortably awkward because you think he's teasing you by mimicking your laughter and grinning...

For some reason, there will always be that guy in my life who just likes to make fun of me. I don't know why. I really do hate science, almost as much as math. Maybe even more because you have to get in groups.

There are however two not-too-shabby-kind-of-cute-in-a-sort-of-way looking Korean (they look Korean to me?) guys in my class. One of the guys was in part of my lab and I think I scared him away because of my social awkwardness.

And I have to go back to that class?

I also changed my layout again. The color scheme is from colourlovers and it's called "sushi and sake."

I also found out that it is only in America that we place punctuation before the quotation mark regardless of the logic, however in places like England and all other British ruled places, that is not always the case. I just find that a little weird. I guess I never really thought about it, but I guess grammar (and not only the language and writing) is different in other countries.

I feel better

2011-09-25T18:13:00.001-07:00

I feel better. I just have to learn to be more optimistic and not such a downer.

I'm so judgemental

2011-09-24T23:50:00.000-07:00

I feel like people who just know who they are, are confident of themselves are able to make friends more easily than those who don't know who they are or are confident of themselves, and sadly I have moments where I feel loathing towards them.

I know such person and she's really nice.

But, I said something that I guess really annoyed her because for a second she looked at me, like she hated me, almost. And then halfway through, when we were going to go to dinner, she left me... without an explanation. I feel like I at least deserve an explanation on why I am getting ditched. And on the way there, she was complaining or in a bad mood of sorts because of her shoe. I felt even worse. If she doesn't want to hang with me, I would rather them tell me even if I cry about it. I want the truth told to my face. If she doesn't want to eat at the ridge, then I want her to tell me. What, was she just going to ditch me halfway to dinner even though we went to the VU? Why invite me in the first place, if you're going to make me feel awkward and even more lonely than I already am. I don't want fake-nice. That's one of the reasons I like my sister--she always says things she thinks. She doesn't hold back the truth, at least not to me. I'm not sure if she knows me so well that she knows I hate being lied to, but I like it when people don't hold anything back.

Anyways, I was actually kind of mad about that afterwards because she made me feel like shit, to say it plainly. Just because I might not be the type of person people like, I do think that I deserve more than that.

She's my sister's best friend, and I love my sister but she made me feel like shit also. When she came up for my birthday, she brought her boyfriend and all she did was hang out with him. She brought me money and a card. I am so happy. (Internet sarcasm). I didn't want her money, I wanted her company.

I felt as if she was also embarrassed at the fact that I told her best friend that she tells me everything. I mean, my sister used to tell me everything. I don't think she does anymore. Now that she has a boyfriend. And a boat full of great friends. When I tried mentioning what they were talking about, her best friend goes "I don't think you know what you are talking about" and "you tell her (Rezina) everything I tell you (Susan)!" At that moment I wanted to tell her not to flatter herself because you are not her only source of rumors.

I'm so damn sensitive.

I feel like all I did was see my sister, like looking at her from a far distance, and then all of a sudden she disappears. Which made me miss her even more.

I don't know if that's just the way you act once you get a boyfriend, but even though everyone was really nice on my birthday, I felt really lonely.

I am starting to hate college as well. I hate living at home, so I don't know what to do with my life anymore. I miss my best friend, but I feel as if we weren't even that close in the first place. I hate that I can't make any friends. I hate that I'm so judgemental. I hate that I can't stop thinking about the past. I hate having regrets.

I don't have anything to look forward to when I come to college. I love my classes, I love studying sometimes. But I don't have any close friends I can hang out with. I have a roommate that I like, but everyone else seems to hate her, so not only am I a social retard, apparently I have crappy taste in friends as well. Great, one more thing to add to my growing depressing list.

I don't have a boyfriend. Someone I feel comfortable around. Someone I can love, and just tell all of this to him. I want to be the type of person, where he'll feel comfortable telling me when he feels crappy. I want someone to shout to "I got an A on my test" or "I made a new friend today!" I want to feel happy.

I feel like I deserve it. I know I haven't done anything in my life. I know I'm just being selfish and stupid by saying stuff like "I feel like I deserve it" but truthfully, I'm a spiteful, hateful person.

I was jealous of my sister half my life, and truthfully still am. When I was in elementary school I felt like all the adults just adored my sister while they treated me like some type of sideline pet. My dad actually hit me in a drunken phase when I was younger, that I can't seem to forget about even though I want to--not to mention he hasn't even bothered to quit drinking because he thinks it will kill him, even though it has left an emotional scar in my life. I miss my mom, but all she ever does is remind me of my faults (I don't have a job, be more like your sister).

I also hate it when people say "Oh, you just have to put yourself out there." That's a shit load of crap. Especially when you say something like that to someone who is a social retard in the first place. People put themselves out there sure, but what if when you make the embarrassing effort, you don't get anything out of it in the end? Then who can you rely on if you don't have anyone to rely on in the first place? "At least you made an effort" GREAT, effort. Like I get anything out of effort except for embarrassment and self-pity--which I have enough of these days. Someone to help push you along, even though you are doing horribly? You don't. I don't. I don't have anyone to just unload all my crap to in Bellingham. I don't want pity. I want help, I want comfortable, I want to feel like I'm not crap.

I just don't like all of this, and hanging out with someone who makes me feel like complete crap when I already feel like complete crap--I just get mad.

Birthday girl

2011-09-24T00:32:00.000-07:00

So today (or actually yesterday as of 30ish minutes ago) was a tiring birthday. I turned 20 years old.

Some big things--my roommate bought me mallards ice cream for my birthday, my mommy bought me cute rain boots (which I have to call and thank tomorrow), my sister and her boyfriend came up to hang out with a couple of other friends, and my whole family wrote in a card for me and my sister gave me money. We went to Red Robins. They made me stand on the chair with Routhea whose birthday is also coming up in a few days. My sister went back home (I miss her) and my sister's best friend & I loitered outside for a bit and then walked all the way on the other side of the campus to visit Fairhaven.

Her two guy friends live there but I don't talk much in the first place unless I'm really comfortable around them, and I wasn't and even though they are both super nice, I just kind of left because they weren't very fun to hang out with anyways.

And that was pretty much it.

I want to call my mommy and daddy tomorrow morning but my sister told them that she is staying over up here when she is not and hanging out with her *COUGH* which I consider suspicious and wonder what they are doing...................... but that's awkward to ask even though I know her best mostly because I've never really been in a relationship myself. And she is going to dawg daze, but she said she would be back in the afternoon so I shall call them around 12 :DDDDD

Strawberry

2011-09-22T17:11:00.001-07:00

Pretty new layout. It's the colors of strawberries inspired by the strawberry favicon. There was a huge beetle like bug in our room today. It was so gross. My roommate squished it and it kind of squirted juice... I had to throw it away but it never fell out of the vacuum?

Day 5, the second day of classes and the beginning of my boring second year college life.

My roommate said I should get a hobby. I should but what hobby?

My birthday is tomorrow. My sister and her boyfriend are coming up. I'm sho' excited.

College life is a blast?

2011-09-21T16:42:00.000-07:00

So I hung out with my sister's best friend today.

She's pretty nice and somewhat easy to talk to.. but at a few moments it was kind of awkward \\(<.<|>.>)// Only because I didn't know what to say...

She invited me to the gym but I said "maybe" several times and "no" once. And she invited me to see another one of her and my sister's friend but I said no because then I knew I would be awkward. When I was in high school the only reason I tagged along with my sister and her friends was because (1) my sister invited me (2) or because I knew my sister would be there.

And now.. just hanging out with her is fine, but with two people + people I don't know... I think my natural awkward hard drive would go into over drive, if that makes any sense. I just made that up.

I do know that I have to try and be more social and this situation just screams "perfect chance to be more social"

Bleh. Bleh. Bleh.

I think people are only awkward because they think themselves to be awkward and can't get past the barrier of thinking that they are awkward. Trust me, it's a lot harder than you think it might be.

Financial Aid update

2011-09-19T22:44:00.000-07:00

So here is an update on my financial aid + books.

Apparently there is an overhaul on verification forms so they are just waiving the late fee (meaning no late fees!) They told me that by October 7th, if it still hasn't gone through yet to go to the office one more time. They also said if I wanted to buy books, and didn't have any money to charge it on my account.

The only thing I am worried about is if they are going to want to request more forms and information after looking through the ones that are "Here/Not Reviewed" ....... And I'm probably going to take out loans, so that means I'll have to sign stuff, and all that will take even longer. And accepting which financial aids, grants, loans that I want.

I hope that this process just gets finished quickly and I won't end up having to pay so much.

Back at college

2011-09-18T19:27:00.000-07:00

So I'm back at college.

I moved in around 9 AM. I'm in a building where all the hallways are open to the outside, and it is a suite, so we have a bathroom. Afterwards I went to downtown with my roommate and one of my suitemates and ate from this place called Fiamma's Burgers. It was pretty good, I got a milkshake and one of the Fiamma Burgers. Then we walked over to Mallards, an ice cream place (but I didn't get any).

My feet and calves hurt painfully. Well, not painfully... but they hurt, haha.

My dad called two times, I answered both times. My mom called once, I answered that one also. I miss my sister. I saw my sister's best friend today. I didn't notice her walking past me until she said hello. I also saw one of my sister's other friend but I don't think she remembered what I looked like or knew who I was so I didn't say hello. Although I smiled at her.

My lofted bed seems very flimsy to me. I hope it doesn't fall down and crack my back or something.

Also, I'm still very worried about financial aid + books.

the last day of summer

2011-09-17T19:16:00.000-07:00

It's my last day at home and my dad is drinking, my parents are fighting and my dad is acting like a complete lunatic (shaking while he is eating, spitting his food all over the table, giving glares to my grandma every 5 minutes, asking his daughters who started the fight, yelling at my mom and my mom yelling back, swearing that he is going to kill my grandma every 10 minutes, laughing every so often, his face red--you get the point)

I started crying for like a minute because I couldn't hold it back any longer and my dad said to me, "Why are you crying? I made all this delicious food just for you!" (Today was also supposed to be my early birthday celebration)

I said to him, "Rather than food, if you and mom would stop fighting, I would be happier."

And then he made a big baby tantrum, spitting his chewed food into his soup.

Whenever my parents fight, my heart squeezes like I can't almost breath. I think this is the feeling of your heart breaking. Or maybe this is what it feels like before your heart starts to break. This tight squeezing suffocation that makes it hard to hold back your crying. I try to be understanding, but my dad is even worse when he drinks and it's hard to be understanding.

I'll miss my sister the most.

Jealousy

2011-09-15T20:59:00.000-07:00

Jealousy is such a petty emotion. No more jealousy for me. Stick up my head high up in the air, smile, say hello and above all--remind myself to be happy and count myself lucky for the people I have in my life (even though sometimes I act like a social retard)

Instax Mini 25

2011-09-10T09:23:00.000-07:00

I'm going to get a job at college and save about $100 dollars. Then I am going to buy this polaroid camera. I am always all talk and no work. So this time I will buy it for myself by Christmas. I decided sometimes having a set goal is what all it takes. So by the end of December, I will be holding that camera in my hands.

Lazycat Opening

2011-09-10T00:58:00.000-07:00

This is going to be my new blog. That no one knows except only a couple people. I loved my last blog but I found that by keeping it, it was just like the stress of real life. I had to over think for other people, and I hate doing that in real life. So why should I do it online when I can just stop?So I did stop. I had a fantastic summer and wonderful memories, but I'll make better ones from here on out. I won't regret my decisions and I'll keep my head held up high without thinking of what others think of me. And knowing that sometimes you need to speak your mind, without worrying about the consequences.

I named my blog lazycat. I think that name says a lot about myself. The blog url ended up being lazycirl though. "cirl" is the two words "girl" and "cat" combined.

Other Blogs

2011-09-09T10:00:00.000-07:00